Loser Takes All
by Arlene
Summary: Arsenal and Nightwing have a bet


Disclaimer: DC owns them. Not mine, never will be. No money is being made from this piece of fiction.

Loser Takes All

By Arlene

"All right, people, meeting adjourned. Have a good week."

"Hey, Batboy, wait up!"

"Still here, Arrowbreath? What's up?"

"Big day comin'."

"Big day, uh huh. And that would be . . . ?"

"Valentine's Day! Hmph, and you're s'posed to be the Great Detective?"

"So what about it? And yeah, you got it right. I *am* a great detective."

"Hey! An' ya hit like a girl!"

"Hey! I just cleaned the suit! I don't need yer cooties all over it."

"Dude, if you *had* my cooties, you wouldn't have to clean your suit so often! Oomf!"

"I'm sorry, Roy, *what* did you say?"

"!"

"Manners, man. Never speak with your mouth full of carpet. Truce?"

"…"

"Good. So, what was that about Valentine's Day?"

"(Cough) I was gettin' there. 'Swondering if you had anything set up?"

"You're not my type, Harper. Hey! Truce, remember!"

"The truce was for the other thing. So, d'ya got anything going?"

"Naw, not really . . . why?"

"Ha! Thought so! No date!"

"I can get one if I wanted. It's just that, uh, patrol an' all."

"'Shyeah, right!"

"Yeah! All the kooks come out and commit crimes in the name of love! Sheesh!"

"Lame, dude. What, Daddy Bat doesn't want you out on a school night?"

"Grrr."

"The glare don't work on me, boy, 'cuz, this time, I'm right. You *can't* get a date, can you?"

"I can so."

"Prove it. Put your money where your mouth is. Guy with the better date wins."

"Fine. Terms?"

"'Kay, lessee . . . I win, you watch Lian for a weekend."

"Ha! Kid's a princess an' she loves her Uncle 'Wing!"

"Heh. We'll see. Heh. Whaddabout you? Terms?"

"Easy. You clean my apartment. Refrigerator included."

"Crap, dude, you play hard! Where's Superbutler?"

"He's with the kid. 'Sides, I don't want him to strain himself anymore. You on the other hand . . . "

"Fine. Agreed. Shake?"

"Deal."

"Good, then. See ya in few days, Loser."

"Hey, *Arse*, how'd that carpet taste?"

"It's gonna taste better your *crow*, Birdboy."

"Fletching for brains."

"Catch ya later, dude."

"Later, Roy!"

***

"Hey, Doll."

"Hi, Roy. Uh, why're you smiling?"

"Donna, babe, I am a certified genius."

"And that's because . . . ?"

"Made a bet with Dick."

"(Tsk) Roy, you'll just wind up cleaning his apartment, *again*."

"Naw, babe, check it out. The guy with the better date wins."

"(Tsk) Roy, you'll just wind up cleaning his apartment, *again*."

"Nooo, see what I got planned for us is gonna blow him, and you, right outta the water."

"(Tsk) Roy, you'll just wind up cleaning his apartment, *again*."

"(Sigh) Just put it on a tape player, Donna. Look, Dick is getting all stressed out again. He's had practically no life outside of the Wing Thing, the Bat Thing and the Cop Thing. This way, he's *gotta* go out and have fun or die trying, 'cuz there ain't no way, no how he's gonna let me win."

"(Sigh) I've been trying to talk to him about it, but you know how he gets. Okay, so you're right, Roy, you are a genius."

"Just what I been saying, Doll. Mmm. Whew! If that's what I get for being right, I'm just gonna give up being wrong!"

"But, Roy, I *like* it when you're wrong. Mmm. So very, veeery wrong. Oh! Yeeess!"

"Sh. Your room. Now."

***

"i'll show him. idiot thinks he's playing some sorta reverse psychology thing. forcing me to date. poor boy doesn't know he's playing with the king of mental cases. uh, no, that didn't sound right . . . still, nice to know he cares. Hey, Babs! 'Sme! Lemme in, little girl, or I'll huff and I'll puff--"

Buzz.

"Thanks. Be right up! this is so much easier than the roof. i gotta do this more often."

"Id's open!"

"Hey, Babs! Uh, you okay? You're looking kinda flushed there."

"I'mb fine. Duthing's wrong. Flowers? For mbe? How sweed!"

"Geez, woman, you've got a fever! What're you doing out of bed?!"

"Didah's in the field. I deed to bring her in. And I'mb fine. There's duthing wrong."

"I hate it when you try to pull a Bruce. I'm putting these in water, then I'm gonna make you some soup."

"Hey! Boss lady! Little help here?"

"Oh! Sorry, Didah. Take the plade on the right."

"Plate? What plate? There aren't any plates here!"

"Plade! Plade! Airplade! Take the airplade on the right!"

"Oh! Why didn't you say so? . . . Got it. So long, suckers! Yee-haw!"

"You okay, Didah?"

"Yep, smooth sailin' here on out. Now you get to bed this instant! And cover up! Drink plenty of liquids! Take care of her, Nightwing!"

"Whad? How did you . . . ?"

"'Cuz he's the only one who can actually distract you from your work."

"I gotcha loud and clear, Dinah! Sign off so I can tear her fingers from the keyboard!"

"Ha! Bye kids!"

"This is somb kinda condspiracy, isn'd id?"

"You bet, sweetcakes. Now's the part where I whisk you in my arms and take you away from it all."

"Slow dowd, Boy Wodder, bathroomb first."

"Oh, okay. How're you feeling? You want me to get Leslie?"

"Don'd bother her. I've got sombthing dext to mby bed."

"When's the last time you took it?"

"Uh, well . . . "

"You forgot, didn't you? Geez, you were sitting there all night, weren't you? For crying out loud, Barbara! Do I have to tell your father what you did? Or better yet, tell *my* father? I can't believe you keep doing that to yourself! That's probably why you're so sick now! You don't get enough rest! When's the last time you slept?! What am I gonna do with . . . aw, please don't cry, baby. Shh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just that . . . I lo--I worry about you. A lot. I'm sorry, Babs."

"(Sniff) I'm sorry, Dick. I-I didn't mean to cry. I (sniff) guess I need some rest."

"i am such an idiot. Here, Babs, shh, just put your head on my shoulder and relax, okay? I'll take care of everything. Here, sweetheart, wipe your eyes. Now blow. Better? Good. Okay, now, let me pull back the blanket . . . there. Now, I'm gonna get that soup, then you're going to take your medicine like a good little Oracle, okay? Be right back.

"grayson, you're stupid, stupid, stupid! there she is, feeling like crap, and what do you do? yell at her, that's what. you jerk. ow! and then you go and burn yourself. real smooth. dang, that's hot! better cool it down, or she'll burn herself.

"Babs? Honey? Here, sit up. It's hot, so let me blow on it first."

"Thanks, Dick. Umb, why are you here so early? Id's still light outside."

"Naw, it wasn't anything important. Just came to see you."

"Obygosh! Id's Valedtide's Day! And you wanded to . . . Oh, Dick! I'b so sorry!"

"Sh, it's okay. I wanted to be with you. And I am. Hey, I even got you into the bedroom."

"Don'd mbake mbe laugh! I'll spill! Id's good, Dick. Thanks."

"Liar. I bet you can't even taste it with that stuffed up nose. Okay medicine time. Take two of these and--"

"Call you id the mornding?"

"No . . . not quite."

"Whad're you doing? I'mb sick, so now you're stripping?! Why could'nd you do that while I was well?"

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted: Take two of these and wake me in the morning. Ah ha! I knew you had my Gotham Knights Tee. Voila! All ready for bed. Uh, you gotta extra toothbrush around here?"

"Yeah, cab'net, upper right shelf."

"'Kay, thanks. Be right back . . . All righty, scoot over, beautiful."

"I'd hardly call mbyself 'beautiful,' Shord Pands. Well, well, you really *are* wearing shord pands now."

"Ah, yes. Boxers or briefs, the eternal mystery finally solved. Brr! You got cold feet!"

"Mbaybe you should sleep on the couch, Dick. I don'd wand you gedding sick too."

"Nonsense! We Batguys don't get sick!"

"!"

"Snorting to oneself is quite unladylike and very unbecoming, young miss, especially in mixed company."

"Do mbe a favor: Don'd do Alfred whed you're in bed with mbe."

"Ew. You're right. Sorry 'bout that. Here, babe, lean up against me. That's it. Now close your eyes and rest."

"(Yawn) Gooddight, Dicky. Love you."

"Uh, um, I l-love you too. always and forever, baby. always."

***

"Well, 'Wingster, how the big date go?"

"(Sniff) Id was the best dade I ever had."

End


End file.
